To my family

I love you, but I dont want anything to do with you.I wish the best for all of you.I'm going to just start ignoring you, like you all do me.I'm tired of the same lies being brought up.I'm tired of being treated like shit all the time.I'm tired of being snickered at. I'm tired of being left out of stuff.When you went around telling lies about that I treated my mom like shit when she was alive, that damaged me.  Were you there? nope. Because you wouldn't help me. I asked.  And you wouldn't help. And give me shit because I wanted to go out one night, Or wanted to go stay a night with my man.  You all took that as if I was running around all the time.  I too needed time away from my home.  When I was there, with my mom, it was a reminder that my mom was dying, and there was nothing I could do.  It's healthy to go and spend time with friends. It was a coping mechanism. Everyone grieves different. My half-brother,  took it upon himself to message me one day telling me how I didn't care for our dad.  This coming from the man who took his wife back, my dad couldn't stand his wife. My dad told him, not to take her back.  So about a month before our dad passed, he got back with his wife, and completely treated our dad like shit, and ignored him, up until the day he passed away. So, in other words, he choose his "wife" over our dad.   He feels the only reason I come around the family is if it's beneficial for me.How?  For what?  Us girls probably won't see anything from our dad, I'm sure. I couldn't care less!  I got a few tangible items, And you know what?  Those items are priceless. Those items will last forever.  My dad is in my heart.  I feel the only reason his wife is "back" is because of the money.  Enjoy it while you can. 🙄 Money will run out. Love won't. I go to see my family, but you ruined it, with the lies you manifested,  so therefore I stay away.  You'd do the same. I love my dad, and stepmother. She will always be my bonus mom, who raised us and gave us girls a lot! And it's appreciated. After my mom passed, I asked my sister multiple times if we were ok. She kept saying yes.  Then about three years later, all these lies surface that she had been spreading since before my mom passed. It actually made me sick to hear this shit.She lied to me.  It hurt.  We were so close.  I racked my brain trying to figure out why. Only thing I could come up with was that she was jealous of my wonderful relationship with my mom.
My 16 year old niece took it upon herself to message me about a grown up issue that she didn't even have NO part in.  Telling me I wasn't part of the family, and again shit about my mom. Who is she to decide who is in the family or not?  Not her! And my Dear niece, do you now feel like a "badass" because you thought you, "told me"? 😉 🤣Told me family don't talk shit about each other.  That's all they do about me.  Ever since my mom passed in 2016, thats all ive heard about me. Family talking shit about me.  She told me i was digging the hole deeper.  Hmmm....i should've just said to her, "POT, KETTLE,  BLACK"  instead i stooped to her unmature level and came back at her.  I used something against her, that I probably shouldn't have said. But I was fuming. I called my sister something I probably shouldn't have said.  But my word!  I feel like saying, "it hurts when family say untrue shit about you, huh?"   And, when she's talking shit about me, no one flinches, but I say something and holy shit!  It's like the sky just dropped.  What. The. Actual.  FUCK? I know an eye for an eye is a sin.  And forgive me dear Lord.I said that grandma would be so disappointed in them.   And she would for treating her baby girl like shit and no part in our family. Who the hell is she defending a 50 yr old man, that if so, can call or text me if he feels.Accusations towards my daughter "talking shit" she was telling the truth. What she said at the shower, about an individual,  was all true.  I actually know the whole story, I said I didn't just out of respect for 2 of my nieces.I'm drained, mentally exhausted. Narcissistic people, blame you for thier actions.So I'm done.  I have 7 nieces, and 3 of them have made it so I'm not getting them anything for christmas.  I'm done.  My wallet thanks you! And that's my money. I did earn it.  😏 Yes, I'm on disability, for my Rheumatoid Arthritis, and my back.  I have 6 screws in my back, and my hardware malfunctioned. So I'm in pain, 24/7.  I'm happy for your friend, working after his back surgery.  I did too. People are different, we all heal differently. I've learned that, family are just people who are existing.  You share blood. That's it.My family now, we don't share blood. We share love, compassion,  trust, honesty and lots of laughs! So, I'll be your cheerleaders from afar. I'll love you from afar. My life is better when I'm around the family I made my own. 
Peace, light, and, love to you, and yours. ~~Me!

Relationships

So, I was in a relationship with someone that I went to grade school with. He was a cutie, I remember.  After 6th grade, everyone moved to a junior high,  so they moved and were in the other school district. I really didn't think about him till I was married.I had a dream about my grade school. He, along with others, were in it. It seemed like that next day I had a friend request from him! I said hi and asked him where he's been!?  He replied, "I took the road less traveled."   About a month goes by, and he has given me attention that I wasn't getting, and I craved. So we sparked up a romance. Maybe 6 months go by, and I moved into my mom's home. And I flew to Austin Texas to meet him again. I was there for about a week. And I'll admit,  I had a fucking blast! I met his parents,  brother, his wife and the rest of the immediate family.  I came back home with another trip planned. A month later I went back. And was going to stay 2 weeks! I planned to find a job and move down there with him. His timing was weird. He would text me at 2 AM or 4 AM.From houston saying that he was diving.  Or would just drop off the loop, for a few days. Pictures would surface on facebook of him with other females. And then removed again. Before I left though, I found out online that he had served like 12 years in prison. For bank robberies.  I asked him about it and he told me the "truth" about what happened.  I believed him.  And went back down there. Was supposed to leave 2 weeks slater but ended up staying. He gave me and ultimatum.  Telling me how he had been deprived of a woman's love for twelve years that he was in prison and that if I left that he had other people that he lined up to see. That hurt, of course so I stayed. Getting a job there was hell.  I Couldn't figure out the fact that i had a great work history and couldn't find a job, but he who served 12 years could get a job.  I was so unhappy there. I eventually found a job cleaning houses. Ritzy houses. He was on federal parole. So he had a number to call everyday,  if his number came up he had to go drop a UA for them. I find out when one of his old friends gets a hold of him that he likes, meth, and Molly. He'd get it, we'd go find some run-down motel out of Austin so he can tweek out there.  I never did the shit. We were at a motel and we went to the local Walmart. He thought that we could buy something sexy for each other, To wear. Give me one of his cards and he took off 1 way and I took off the other way. So I found something kind of sexy for him to and I thought that he'd gotten me something sexy to wear.  Because I saw Lacey stuff through his bag.   we get back to the motel room and he's like alright, get out ready what you want and I'm gonna go in the bathroom and get ready. He was in there for about an hour. He shaved his legs, used damn near all of my perfume and use my makeup.When he came out, I was in fucking shock! And it all fell into place now.  Ill come back to that...
 We had a friend that went to school with us come down to Austin, and we all got together went downtown had a few drinks.  I grabbed the keys and slowed down on my drinking because I saw him getting stupid, when we got after a vehicle. I went in to get in the driver's seat. He pulled me back out by my arm. And pushed me on to the ground and told me to hurry up and get in the fucking car.  We got off on the wrong exit. The exit right before where we should and he went through an accident, the cops kept telling him to turn around, but he laughed, waved and drove through.  Next thing you know theres flashing lights behind us coming fairly quickly and pulled us over. He ended up getting an OWI.Thanks got weird after that. We had to move in with his brother and his wife , who was an irish stuck-up snob. (She had no idea how to wrap a baby, change a baby, till she had one and was shown how to) He found a job, but i had to take him to and from. which hurt the hours i could work. I was miserable.  I just wanted to go home.  I flew my daughter down to me in July.  I had an idea to rent a car, pack me and my kid up and just drive north. I got to Kansas city, and He was crying for me to come back. my stupid ass turned around, and went back. I shouldve just kept going north. I get back, and the same old shit. His other sister came down a week later, that was ok, but then they left, and it was just me and my kiddo. we went to the park, swimming, on thelake, that time was fun.  then i had to fly her home, and come back by myself.  then i got really depressed.  i hated being there.  his brother was fine.  it was his wife that i really couldnt stand. 3 months go by, and he finally asked me in late november what i wanted to do, and i told him i wanted to go home. he said ok. two days later, we were loaded up and headed north, after he had to go drop his UA at the probation office. The deal was for him to come up, drop me off, and go back to texas in a few days. At this point, i wanted to be done with him altogether. He ends up staying here, for over 2 months.  He ends up finding some meth. and i see it in his eyes, and told him that he couldn't come inside with that shit, and while high. It was freezing outside, but at this point i didn't care. He went out to his SUV and did what he did best.... now I said I'd get back to this.  and here it is.  he was a cross dresser. He was wearing my bras and underwear, (I got rid of all of them when he left) he had make up on, high heels, pantyhose, and a wig!  He spent the night outside in his suv tweaked out, dressing up like a woman and using a pretty good sized toy. That next morning, my mom and i were wanting to go to church, and we were going totake the SUV, I opened up the door, and was like, oh hell no, shut the door real quick. We fought all the time.  Finally my mom told him, Its time for you to leave.  He left. He went to his brothers house in Ames.  I was thinking I was rid of him.  He would call, we'd fight. By this time, he was on run from his federal parole officer for about 3 months.  One night he texts me, Hey if I go to jail, I love you.  I'm like, ok...?  I found out about 6 sheriffs showed up there at his brothers house, and I was told he took off running and they chased him, tackled him and took him to he county jail there.  oh finally.  i think.   im done.   nope.  he gets to sit the rest of his time on federal parole in prison.  so then, im doing all his leg work for him, I got his child support reduced, I called his brothers for him to ask them for money for him.  His jealousy was defcon level, he always wanted to know where I was, who was there, if I didnt reply back to a text right away, he automatically would assume that I was with my ex husband.  He didnt want me talking to him at all.  we have a child together. we had to talk.  my daughter had a kidney surgery. she was in the hospital over night. so I stayed with her overnight.  Her dad and I sat with each other while she was in the OR.  which I think it was about a 4 hour surgery.  I told him, that id be busy, with either my daughter, or the nurses or doctors. so if i dont get to the phone, thats why.   He called me 35 times in that 4 hour period. he wanted to know where i was and where my ex husband was.  he threw a fucking fit when i did tell him that her dad was there with me.  (seriously...)  It got to the point that id just let it ring. He was in prison at this time, so phone calls werent cheap.  the times my daughter wanted to get up and walk, id leave my phone in the room.  we'd walk this loop, it took about 30 minutes, in that time, he called 15 times.  He kept calling, i kept ignoring them. I go outside for some air quick, and he calls. I answer, we of course get into a fight about me being up there.  and her dad being there, (he went home for the night) i finally told him to fuck off and hung up on him. He called right back, and theres an option when an inmate calls you to accept or decline, or block from calling again.   I blocked from him calling me again.  He lied to me about a lot. For one,  he wasn't diving. He was meeting up with a old inmate. This guy would buy him meth, or Molly, and he'd dress up like a woman all weekend. we didnt speak for a good month. i was happy.  then i get an email, from him, telling me he was out, and he wanted to be with me again.  I said no.  Im done with you. so later i found out that there were a few people that called him in to his probation officer.  a few anonymous callers called, more that once, and the girl he was getting his drugs from while he was here called a few times also. Its been 10 years.  im in a new, better relationship, for almost 9 years. there are a lot of triggers for me yet.  certian songs that come on, i have to change.  Its crazy how much a trigger can just change your day. My man now, ive known since 1997.  we met up again in, 2015, and sparked up a romance.  Hes not jealous. He loves my kid. He treats me like im the only woman in the world.  Like how it should. Id never go back to that again.  You couldnt pay me enough money to go back to him. Im totally content here, with my finance, my human child, and our 6 fur-babies.Just remember,  EVERYTHING IS NOT BIGGER IN TEXAS!!

Friends

I want to talk about friendship. I've had many friends. Some I still keep in contact with, and some just fell out of touch with.  Others seem to hold something on you since the 8th grade. Or you remember what someone did to you in school.Is it worth it to still ignore that person? 🤔 I saw someone I used to be really good friends with like 30 years ago.  She did see me, but turned her head and kept walking, while I'm trying to say hi to her.  Wow!  I'm thinking,  what on earth did I do to you? I had a BF in junior high.  For Almost 2 years we were BFs.  One day I came to school, and all my stuff from her locker was on the floor in front of my locker.  Her combination was changed. I had no idea what I did.  But she wouldn't talk to me.  I was hurt.  Our friend group of 5, had turned on me.  I had to find another seat at lunch.  It was the last few weeks of school. So I found other friends to be with.  So this girl still won't even acknowledge me.  Seriously.  I'm seeing my daughter go through some stuff.  Same stuff I did. And it hurts because all I can do is be there for her.  Be her shoulder to cry on.  She was having severe panic attacks and ended up having to change her schedule around at school.  Her "best friend" turned on her, again.  They were BFs since kindergarten. And here we are in high school.   And can't believe she did it again.  It always happens when a new girl becomes friends with one and then there's 3. And one always gets pushed out.  And I honestly hope these 2 feel like shit for what they did. I hurt for her, but then again I'm happy that she's not friends with them anymore.So, my ending ramble here is, why can't everyone just get along?  Why do some people just turn over on their friends?  Why hold something over someone for 30 some years? Is it worth it to end a friendship over something that you think is wrong or right.  Because I can say, from experience,  no.  Get that friend back.
Peace, light and love.

Dreams.

How do you dream?Full color?  Black and white? Do you see 3d or is it like a magazine or a movie?I have vivid dreams.  I have the same dreams. In 2001, I had a fire that destroyed my home and everything in it even my kitty.  I was supposed to be there, taking a nap,  but I ended up leaving right before it started.   In one dream, I'm at my home in sutliff, and wake up to my home on fire.  I try and throw a boot at the window and it won't break. Its weird, because just the top 2 feet of the home is on fire. And I can't get out.  My cat is at my feet.  I grab him and hoover down.  And I wake up.  My other dream, is I go back there to get my stuff because only the top 2 feet is burning.  It's still on fire.   I'm trying to hide from the land owner, he's in his machine shed right next to my home.  I go in and I'm home.  It's like I'm back and all of my things are there. I don't want to leave, I want to be home.  I look around like I'm in a store looking at stuff that I've never seen before.   I'm there trying to get what I want out of my home before he sees me.  I don't want anything to do with him.  He tried to make sexual advances to me and I didn't want him around me.   I'm home. And I wake up.   It's a nightmare.  I wake up sweaty, I realize it's a dream and try to go back to sleep. I had this really wonderful friend she became one of my best friends, she was killed in a car accident in January of 2006. So couple months later I'm planning my wedding, and so I send one to her husband.  After the wedding we had a Target gift card, so we were in Target and I see her husband and he's with another lady, oh well, and she turns and goes down aisle and he turns around to visit with us, he apologizes for not attending our wedding. And small Chit Chat and we were on our way. So in my dream she is alive, and I need to go to her house to tell her that I saw her husband with some other lady.I arrived to her house and she came out on the front porch and I was like trying to tell her and she looked at me and said "I know it's okay. Come on inside,"  so we went inside and it was a staircase leading up, so on the second Landing her boys were asleep on a bed, we went up another six steps and there is the landing, and there her was her husband sleeping in his bed, we went up another two Landings, and there was a door the very top and it was white and very bright she opened it up and it was just bright in there and she looked at me and said "I've got to go now,"  and I looked at her and said but,  "I had so much to tell you," and she said "it's okay I'll see you again." She walked in to that very bright room, and shut the door behind her. I woke up, in tears and sat straight up, and realized that I just walked my best friend to heaven.It was such a beautiful, powerful, emotional dream. What's yours?

Clearing the air.

When my mom fell sick, I was just getting out of a horrible relationship.  So I moved in with her to help her out.  She then didn't know what she was sick.  A few months went by, and she went to the doctor.  It was pancreatic cancer, stage 4.  That was May of 2014.  She started chemo.  I took her to all her chemo appointments and her radiation appointments when she had it.  She woke me up many times in the night for ER visits. I have 2 sisters, sister A, and she helped out a lot. Sister B, not really.   I could always tell when her cancer went into remission, vrs when it would be back full force.   When she ate, we could literally hear the food drop into her stomach.  She would take two bites and run for the bathroom.  It was awful watching something so nasty take my beautiful, awesome, smart mom. Mom had diaries she started when she got sick.  Letters to us girls.  I'll get back to those.She was in so much pain that they gave her a few Fentanyl patches. (Very dangerous!  Do not use those! ) She had one on and went to go to the bathroom, and she fell.  I couldn't get her back up, so I had to call our neighbor, who was a good friend of my mother's, to help me pick her up and put her back into bed. We had baby monitors, so if she needed anything, she would just yell in to the baby monitor.  She hollered once overnight, I helped her to the bathroom, and back to bed with ease.  The next morning,  I was getting my daughter up for a school field trip,  it was about 7am, my daughter was about 6, we heard a big thud, my daughter ran to her bathroom ahead of me and was the first one to see her head first in to her bath tub. When I got there, I helped her up to sit her on the toilet. That pain patch had her so fucked up, she kept falling.  I grabbed a rubber glove and pulled that damn patch off her and wrapped it in the glove.  I called the neighbor back and by the time he got to our house, her forehead had a HUGE goose egg the size of a golf ball.  I called 911. And i Gave that patch to the paramedic.  She was taken too hospital and put in the ICU. No bleeding on her brain, thankfully!  She spent about a week in the hospital.  The hospital hooked mom up with some things. 1. She started to get meals om wheels. 2.  A nurses aid to come help her showers.  Which was awesome to have.  I have RA and a bad back so it was hard for me to do certain things. She had a few wonderful ladies that would come and help. Sister B asked me about this notebook that our mom had, where she recorded her med times. It was all scribbles.     So I told her I'd watch her more closely. 

 

So one day I noticed she was kind of loopy. When her helper arrived and helped her in to the shower, I was going to count her pain medication. She was taking morphine at this time.  (Which I'm actually allergic too) When they were in the bathroom, this is where I fucked up, I took her meds and counted them, at that time that helper saw me.  I knew she did too.  After she was done, she went outside and called sister A.  That next day or so, hospice came out and put every med of hers in a locked box but a weeks worth of meds.  

About a week later, my daughter came home from school with a 102. Temp. I called Sister b to help. Nope, she can't, and neither of her 4 kids can't either. Sister A decided to come out and get mom and take her to her house because by then, I caught it.  

We had food.  She complained about the meals on wheels food. I had a food card, and I'd get mom whatever she wanted.  And her laundry, it was going. She always did hers in the afternoon,  so when it was done, I took it to her. 

So there, that's what happened.  

 I see who reads my blog, so I'm hoping that someone Sees this!

Love and peace, Jill

Religion

Are you religious? I was brought up in church. Every Sunday we were at Sunday school, then to church. And then sometimes back to church Sunday night.  We read our Bible every night before bed.  So, my mother, born and raised Amish/Mennonite, (I have a LOT of Amish/Mennonite family!) She graduates from, Iowa Mennonite School, she moves to Colorado for college.  Her sister, (my aunt) was seeing a gentleman in the Army. He knew my dad, who was freshly in the army. My mom and dad married. My dad was brought up Catholic, in Orange California. He grew up mostly in a catholic boarding school.  So when a catholic marries a Mennonite lots could happen. Mom threw her "flour sifter" and put a doily on instead and they went to Lower Deer Creek Church. Lived in a house my grandpa Yoder built in, Joetown. They had a good life.  A German shepherd,  Fritz. They were married for quite a few years before they had kids.  3 girls.  Mom and dad bought land west of wellman. When my parents divorced,  they lost their membership at the Mennonite church, and lost their burial plots. My mom did remarry to a man that we all knew when we were kids, he was a wonderful man, they were together for quite a few years and only married for about six. When he left my mom started the reading her Bible more.My mom was a devout Christian, the radio is set to gospel songs in her car, and until noon she would watch ABC, untill about, 5:00 she would watch Church. After the news it was back to church until she went to bed. It would be nothing for me to hear her start singing a gospel song or throwing her hands up in the air, and saying,  "Praise Jesus!"Until the day she died she constantly had her Bible in her hand. I have her original Bible with all of the verses She had underlined or highlighted or wrote In, and I love flipping through it. My mom was the type that never judged you, I could tell her anything and she would never ever look at me wrong. She never cut anybody out of her life, she was always there for you. Christianity isn't it just about believing in the Lord and going to church every Sunday. Being a Christian is being honest, humble, lovable, respectful, caring, and never judgemental towards anything or anyone.  My dad and stepmother were very religious as well, my stepmother was Dutch. She was born and raised in Northwest Iowa. Her and my dad met in the army. My stepmother retired from the Army as Lieutenant Colonel, and my dad retired as a first sergeant. We were at church every Sunday. This was a little different upbringing than moms. Whenever we did something wrong or we're in trouble we had the Lord thrown at us. And if we lied we were told we got a black spot on our heart from the Lord.You could tell that we had Army parents by the way our house was, everything had its place there was no junk drawer LOL, we counted Barbie shoes before we put them away, we counted their outfits before we stuck them away as well. We can at the Matchbox cars my brother had if we played with them before we put them away. Bed had to be made and clothes had to be folded and stuck in the specific spots. I am very thankful for my upbringing, I'm glad that I have a family that doesn't sit around and curse all the time, I'm thankful for all the things that I got to do as a child, I am very thankful for my Christian family.What religion are you? 

The Vermont jr dollhouse

As some of you know,  I'm a dollhouse Freak.  I've built, 6 so far. And I'm on my 2nd renovation house. This one was really fun to work on.  It's the perfect sized house. I love my creations.  I love picking the wall papers, and flooring.  This is what it looked like when I got it.

So, this is my happy place, when I'm in creation-land.