She was my grandma first

So everyone thinks Grandma as the cookie maker, baker, decorative, crochet type. This Grandma was just that.  When my dad and s-mom got married, her parents were so happy to finally had 3 granddaughters. They were kind of sad that my s-mom had a boy, but of course happy. Well let me tell you about the sets of grandparents I had ....My Stepmom has 2 sisters.  Sister B, we'll call ..."ManPants" married, has 2 boysSister C, We'll call...."the cool one" married and had,  2 boys and then divorced, and re-married. New hubby has a few daughters. We did not meet these new stepdaughters of The cool ones. Christmas was as follows, our family would drive west for holiday, and spend at least a week and a half there.  We'd have dinner and then we'd open gifts from our stockings attached to the banister. Filled with army toys, gi joes, matchbox cars, us girls, usually jewelry. Which I loooooved! And then went downstairs to open up our gifts from our "secret Santa" (could be from one of our 4 boy cousins) and a gift from another family member. Of course those boys tore into theirs, and got to take out whatever they got. Us girls, nope.  What we got we had to wait till we got home, bc as our s-mom would say, she didn't want us to loose parts to whatever we got.  S-moms mom, we'll call her, "D" made some awesome cookies, desserts. Those boys could eat them all day, but us girls ...nope.   We couldn't even have but one treat D made.  One time we were up at the "grandparents" house while my dad and stepmom were at Army. (For some reason it always fell on the weekends that was our mom's.) And we were staying up with the, "GParents" I got up, it was about 8am, I got into my clothes, and went and sat in the living room. I heard D come in and start bitching about her morning.  I didn't think grandmas swore, (bc my other grandma was Amish so swearing didn't happen) but hoolllllyyy FUUCK!! She swore like no other. She bitched about the line she was in at the grocery store. She bitched about this other person at the store.  Id seriously never heard a grandma swore like D did.  I quietly went back to the room my sister and I shared, (more on that another time) put my PJs back on and went back to sleep.After we went to go live with our mom, we didn't see them again.  My dad and s-mom begged my older sister to come back home. Told her she was everyone's favorite. So she did.  She said one Christmas, ManPants dressed up as Santa. When it was my Sisters turn to see Santa, ManPants told her she didn't have to sit on her lap. By this time, The cool one had already divorced her husband. When my sister moved out, and back in with Mom and us, our s-moms family had already washed their hands of us girls.  Probably didn't help that my dad and her were trashing us to them.  How fucked up is that?The cool one had already remarried and now they had 3 more girls.  And the grandparents were happy about that.They basically replaced us 3 girls. So,  what I don't get is this How can you just ignore family?How can you just write people off?It hurts that we were never mentioned again unless we were being trashed. Those girls were mentioned in the grandparents obits, and probably got a little something from them as well. 2nd set of step-grandchildren, did you race there at Holiday season with your parents, anxious to see your cousins, and spend a week at, "grandma and grandpas" for Christmas break?  Excited to open gifts?  Excited to see the "cousins" and, "aunts and uncles" Probably not. We're NOT bad girls.  If you knew, how things were growing up for us, you would have done the same as us girls.  Dad and s-mom would tell us girls that, my s-dads family wasn't our real family. Her sisters, (ManPants and CoolOne) were our family, bc they "cared" about us. When our s-dads brother was killed, they told us he was NOT our uncle. That family wasn't our family. That they didn't care for us. They didn't love us.  But yet HER family was our family.  If so, why the fuck did they just turn their backs on us. Wow.  What a shitty thing to say."That" family acknowledged us girls in obits, and reunions. They kept us informed about the family.  Our mom, was very good friends with her ex-hubby and his wife, we all were)At what point in life do you talk trash about your kids?  Even if they end up doing well. My dad's mom once asked for my address to send a Christmas card and gift. My dad flat out told her that I didn't deserve anything. At that time I was separated from my husband and my dad was mad at me. So, how the hell can you take something away from 2 of 4 of your husbands children?I'm not greedy.  I'm very thankful for what I have.  Because I worked for it.  I didn't have my mommy to bail me out of jail, my mom didn't buy me a 550k house, or buy me cars, animals, livestock, and If I was at a custody battle with my ex, and I had a drinking problem, my mom would NOT back me. She'd say nope. Not because she didn't love me, but bc she loved me. Tough love.I guess a bully loves to be bullied. 

Babysitters ....

Babysitters.Ever had a babysitter?We had the worst babysitter as a kid.  She had 4 kids. 3 boys and a girl. They were all very mean, snotty, and did what they wanted during the day.  My baby brother, had the best babysitter though.  You know, because he was fed golden shit on a golden platter. My sister and I went to a babysitter that had about 12 kids. We ate on a plastic kitchen play set, next to the trash can. When we'd arrive at like, 5:30am, we weren't allowed to sit on the couch at all. It was "broke." She and her kids were the only ones who could sit on it. We got sent downstairs, on a concrete floor, with a round woven rug. An hour later her youngest son would come downstairs, with a butcher knife, usually. He would hold it up to our necks. Told us not to move. He'd try to have sex with us. We'd refuse him, and he'd go upstairs. We weren't allowed to come upstairs till 7:30am, when the babysitter would be awake. She basically sat on the, "broken" couch, watch soap-operas, and order us older kids around. She and her husband were going through a divorce at this time. And the bathroom was always messy. Like after her husband would use it, he'd leave it a mess. Like in the toilet too. She wouldn't let us use the toilet upstairs for a while after he'd leave. She would start the littles lunch, then sit down. Then we were incharge, we'd finish the lunch, and put the littles down for a nap. Then us older kids would have to leave. Either go to ht e elementary school and play, or not be seen or heard. My sister and I were the only oldest two there.During this "nap time" when it was summer, shed lay outside and work on her tan, or sit in garage and smoke. We weren't allowed back there till nap time, or her tan time was over. She lived right in front of a grade school, One time I came back to the house early, the daughter of our sitter saw me, ran outside, stopped me and said, "get your ass back to the school" I went back, and found a playground equipment and fell asleep.  We did her daughter's paper route. She would pay us for that. There was a really neat mall down the road, and she would send one of us to go and get her cookies. She'd pay for me to get one cookie as well.  She really wasn't a good babysitter.  

Family. ??

My dad remarried when I was about 5. They were in the Army together. Soon after,  they had a baby.  A boy. I remember kissing him on his forehead on a clean spot. Dad, after 3 girls finally got his boy.  🙄 Yay, a little brother.  He was well protected with us girls always watching him, playing with him napping, snuggling with him.  And snuggling on couch, with my dad, was done.  It was all about the little brother. He didn't like dinner? No problem, stepmom fixed him what he liked. Cereal, grilled cheese, usually cereal. But us? Didn't like dinner? Too bad .....eat it till you go to bed. Go to sleep on the couch, then on our floor, but us girls, go to bed now, no crying!!!Our stepmother was very neat. Very organized,  everything had its place. I swear she could smell if there was a toy out of place or a picture frame moved different.  We counted doll shoes, matchbox cars, GI Joe dolls as well. Like I said, she was neat.  Our dad and her had custody of us 2 younger girls while our oldest sister lived with our mom.  (Or so we were told) We'd spend every other weekend with our mom then 2 weeks in the summer with her and maybe a few days with her over Christmas break.  We followed the decree. I swear she lined up babysitting jobs when we were supposed to be visiting with our mom, just to keep us away from our mom. Our Stepmom has 2 sisters. Those sisters each had 2 boys.  We vacationed together at the same spot every year. Always had a blast.Now, with this post, don't get me wrong, I love my dad and stepmom.  They raised me, (she didn't have too) and she did love us girls.With that being said, I don't agree with things done as we were growing up.   If we didn't listen, we got our ears pulled. And hard.  If we touched something we shouldn't have, we got our knuckles slapped with a wooden spoon.  Once during the summer, us 2 girls and sometimes our younger brother would stay home during the day.  We made popcorn. It burnt. We tried to hide the smell, and the popcorn bag in the garbage in the garage.  They smelled it, found the bag, and we 2 girls got our asses beat, by our dad's hand. My sister chased our brother with a butcher knife around the house.  They laugh about it now but hate the fact that I opened or sneaked a peek and a Christmas presents.There was a code ring when they called, couldn't talk or answer the phone regardless.  Now, after us girls moved on and out, we weren't mentioned at their family. Hell, one of her sisters divorced her husband. Met another man, remarried, and he had kids. Now, tell me why, they were listed in stepmoms mom and dad obituary, but us girls weren't.  Even though they BEGGED for her to go back and live with them, bc she was they're favorite.And then this brings me to the now, we are different politics wise.   And, if who I voted for won, I sure as fuck wouldn't have texted that side of the family glorious texting, like they did me.  Or, one "Aunt" deleted and blocked me on social media. Really? Didn't like my, basically, "fuck Trump" posts?  So, I just deleted and blocked that whole side of the family.  Fuck it.  That right there is a tRump thing to do, be a bully.   My step-mom didn't come to my 1st wedding in 2006.  And she made sure to tell me, from 350 miles away, that I was getting married on "trumps" birthday.If anything I've learned from my dad? Is just turning my back on people. Buuuut, the Christian side my mom instilled on me? I can't. I can't turn my back.  So, the next time I see these people, (if I ever do again...) just know, you'll get a smile and hug from me.  Just to be, "nice". That's it.  I don't have to be nice.    Not a cold shoulder like I expect from them. Or they expect from me. (To write LOVE on her arm .....)  I'm torn between treating people like I'm being treated or, treating people, the way I want to be treated. One thing MY MOM taught me was to stand my ground.  And I do.  Always will.  So, to them, enjoy my dad's stuff.  Bc the tshirts I got from him.....I'll FUCKING CHERISH FOR EVER in ziplock bags, in my safe! like I've said, money will wear out, (and trust me the repercussions of MY dad's stuff may be bad) 🤔😉😉😉😉I laugh that my half brother lives off of his mom.  Still.  She treats his boy, like he was treated.  Sad.   Ok, I'll close. Remember, tRump went Republican bc he called them stupid. And he'd get their votes.Sure did huh....? 

KIMMEL FOR PRESIDENT!! 

To my family

I love you, but I dont want anything to do with you.I wish the best for all of you.I'm going to just start ignoring you, like you all do me.I'm tired of the same lies being brought up.I'm tired of being treated like shit all the time.I'm tired of being snickered at. I'm tired of being left out of stuff.When you went around telling lies about that I treated my mom like shit when she was alive, that damaged me.  Were you there? nope. Because you wouldn't help me. I asked.  And you wouldn't help. And give me shit because I wanted to go out one night, Or wanted to go stay a night with my man.  You all took that as if I was running around all the time.  I too needed time away from my home.  When I was there, with my mom, it was a reminder that my mom was dying, and there was nothing I could do.  It's healthy to go and spend time with friends. It was a coping mechanism. Everyone grieves different. My half-brother,  took it upon himself to message me one day telling me how I didn't care for our dad.  This coming from the man who took his wife back, my dad couldn't stand his wife. My dad told him, not to take her back.  So about a month before our dad passed, he got back with his wife, and completely treated our dad like shit, and ignored him, up until the day he passed away. So, in other words, he choose his "wife" over our dad.   He feels the only reason I come around the family is if it's beneficial for me.How?  For what?  Us girls probably won't see anything from our dad, I'm sure. I couldn't care less!  I got a few tangible items, And you know what?  Those items are priceless. Those items will last forever.  My dad is in my heart.  I feel the only reason his wife is "back" is because of the money.  Enjoy it while you can. 🙄 Money will run out. Love won't. I go to see my family, but you ruined it, with the lies you manifested,  so therefore I stay away.  You'd do the same. I love my dad, and stepmother. She will always be my bonus mom, who raised us and gave us girls a lot! And it's appreciated. After my mom passed, I asked my sister multiple times if we were ok. She kept saying yes.  Then about three years later, all these lies surface that she had been spreading since before my mom passed. It actually made me sick to hear this shit.She lied to me.  It hurt.  We were so close.  I racked my brain trying to figure out why. Only thing I could come up with was that she was jealous of my wonderful relationship with my mom.
My 16 year old niece took it upon herself to message me about a grown up issue that she didn't even have NO part in.  Telling me I wasn't part of the family, and again shit about my mom. Who is she to decide who is in the family or not?  Not her! And my Dear niece, do you now feel like a "badass" because you thought you, "told me"? 😉 🤣Told me family don't talk shit about each other.  That's all they do about me.  Ever since my mom passed in 2016, thats all ive heard about me. Family talking shit about me.  She told me i was digging the hole deeper.  Hmmm....i should've just said to her, "POT, KETTLE,  BLACK"  instead i stooped to her unmature level and came back at her.  I used something against her, that I probably shouldn't have said. But I was fuming. I called my sister something I probably shouldn't have said.  But my word!  I feel like saying, "it hurts when family say untrue shit about you, huh?"   And, when she's talking shit about me, no one flinches, but I say something and holy shit!  It's like the sky just dropped.  What. The. Actual.  FUCK? I know an eye for an eye is a sin.  And forgive me dear Lord.I said that grandma would be so disappointed in them.   And she would for treating her baby girl like shit and no part in our family. Who the hell is she defending a 50 yr old man, that if so, can call or text me if he feels.Accusations towards my daughter "talking shit" she was telling the truth. What she said at the shower, about an individual,  was all true.  I actually know the whole story, I said I didn't just out of respect for 2 of my nieces.I'm drained, mentally exhausted. Narcissistic people, blame you for thier actions.So I'm done.  I have 7 nieces, and 3 of them have made it so I'm not getting them anything for christmas.  I'm done.  My wallet thanks you! And that's my money. I did earn it.  😏 Yes, I'm on disability, for my Rheumatoid Arthritis, and my back.  I have 6 screws in my back, and my hardware malfunctioned. So I'm in pain, 24/7.  I'm happy for your friend, working after his back surgery.  I did too. People are different, we all heal differently. I've learned that, family are just people who are existing.  You share blood. That's it.My family now, we don't share blood. We share love, compassion,  trust, honesty and lots of laughs! So, I'll be your cheerleaders from afar. I'll love you from afar. My life is better when I'm around the family I made my own. 
Peace, light, and, love to you, and yours. ~~Me!

Clearing the air.

When my mom fell sick, I was just getting out of a horrible relationship.  So I moved in with her to help her out.  She then didn't know what she was sick.  A few months went by, and she went to the doctor.  It was pancreatic cancer, stage 4.  That was May of 2014.  She started chemo.  I took her to all her chemo appointments and her radiation appointments when she had it.  She woke me up many times in the night for ER visits. I have 2 sisters, sister A, and she helped out a lot. Sister B, not really.   I could always tell when her cancer went into remission, vrs when it would be back full force.   When she ate, we could literally hear the food drop into her stomach.  She would take two bites and run for the bathroom.  It was awful watching something so nasty take my beautiful, awesome, smart mom. Mom had diaries she started when she got sick.  Letters to us girls.  I'll get back to those.She was in so much pain that they gave her a few Fentanyl patches. (Very dangerous!  Do not use those! ) She had one on and went to go to the bathroom, and she fell.  I couldn't get her back up, so I had to call our neighbor, who was a good friend of my mother's, to help me pick her up and put her back into bed. We had baby monitors, so if she needed anything, she would just yell in to the baby monitor.  She hollered once overnight, I helped her to the bathroom, and back to bed with ease.  The next morning,  I was getting my daughter up for a school field trip,  it was about 7am, my daughter was about 6, we heard a big thud, my daughter ran to her bathroom ahead of me and was the first one to see her head first in to her bath tub. When I got there, I helped her up to sit her on the toilet. That pain patch had her so fucked up, she kept falling.  I grabbed a rubber glove and pulled that damn patch off her and wrapped it in the glove.  I called the neighbor back and by the time he got to our house, her forehead had a HUGE goose egg the size of a golf ball.  I called 911. And i Gave that patch to the paramedic.  She was taken too hospital and put in the ICU. No bleeding on her brain, thankfully!  She spent about a week in the hospital.  The hospital hooked mom up with some things. 1. She started to get meals om wheels. 2.  A nurses aid to come help her showers.  Which was awesome to have.  I have RA and a bad back so it was hard for me to do certain things. She had a few wonderful ladies that would come and help. Sister B asked me about this notebook that our mom had, where she recorded her med times. It was all scribbles.     So I told her I'd watch her more closely. 

 

So one day I noticed she was kind of loopy. When her helper arrived and helped her in to the shower, I was going to count her pain medication. She was taking morphine at this time.  (Which I'm actually allergic too) When they were in the bathroom, this is where I fucked up, I took her meds and counted them, at that time that helper saw me.  I knew she did too.  After she was done, she went outside and called sister A.  That next day or so, hospice came out and put every med of hers in a locked box but a weeks worth of meds.  

About a week later, my daughter came home from school with a 102. Temp. I called Sister b to help. Nope, she can't, and neither of her 4 kids can't either. Sister A decided to come out and get mom and take her to her house because by then, I caught it.  

We had food.  She complained about the meals on wheels food. I had a food card, and I'd get mom whatever she wanted.  And her laundry, it was going. She always did hers in the afternoon,  so when it was done, I took it to her. 

So there, that's what happened.  

 I see who reads my blog, so I'm hoping that someone Sees this!

Love and peace, Jill

Family,

Lets talk about family. Are you close to yours? They say that when the glue of the family goes, then the family follows. Isn't that a fucking true statement. I have 2 bio sisters, 1 adopted sister, and a half brother. I talk to one sister, and my adopted sister.Our mom got sick, she was diagnosed with, Pancreatic Cancer. 
It was horrible watching my mom basically die before my eyes. This is one of the cancers you wouldn't think would hit your home.  But it did.  Pancreatic Cancer.  The survival rate is low. 
I moved in with my mom to help her.  I took her to her DRs appointments, her chemo, her radiation. Even when she would wake me up in the middle of the night needing to go to the ER.  I called 911 many times. I needed help. A few times, my niece came to stay the night at our house so I could go stay the night with my man. There was a nurse that would come out and help her shower.But other than that, it was me.  My mom was our glue. My daughter came down with the flu, and had a 102. Temp. So mom couldn't be around her. So she went with her dad.  Then it hit me.  So my oldest sister came and got her so she could stay there.  Now, this is the sister who kept telling mom to sell the house and move in with her.  When asked about me, she said, "oh well"  mom kept telling her no. So when she finally went there, that was the end.  She had had about 16 blood transfusions that week.  Her body was slowly shutting down.  Mom had her stuff in the washer, when it was done, I took it to her. She asked me if I brought her shoes, because she wanted to go home to die. The home she worked her ass off for, for 30 some years. Her home. Where it was quiet. Every time is go see her, she was worse than the day before. She'd always ask me if I brought her her shoes.  Treatments were stopped. And suddenly,  she had allllllllll the help, i couldn't have.  I was devastated.  My mom. The one who taught me everything,  but how to live without her. So I had had surgery on May 24 on my left hand, 2nd time around.  When I got home, I called the lady that was with her to let her know I was home, and the surgery went fine. I was going to rest a bit and go see her. About 30 minutes later I got the text that she had passed.  My other sister came and got me since I couldn't because of my surgery. Losing her was horrible. Especially to something that you can't do anything for. There were songs she wanted to have played that she told me about, but when I mentioned it, it was dismissed. So, I find out my sister's got a tattoo for our mom, without me.  And then I heard the rumors about me. And what I heard of what I "did" made me sick. I about threw up. My head was spinning. And then It clicked.  That's why my family would walk away when I walked over to them.  Or ignore me.  Then my half-brother, not from MY mom, messaged me and chewed me out on what I supposedly "did"  he was drunk, as usual. I really haven't spoken to that sister in about 3 years, or to my half-brother.  I don't care too.  I'm so sick of people spewing shit that isn't true.  So, if you think for one second that I didn't treat my mom right, YOU ARE NO FRIEND/FAMILY TO ME!!   So, family isn't your blood. It's your people that know you.  That trust you. That check up on you, people that offer their shoulder, people that say, "screw them" My tribe is a small one.  And that's how I like it. I don't need a huge tribe, I don't want a huge tribe.  I trust my tribe, I love my tribe. As long as I know what the truth is, then they can fuck off.  They weren't there. They didn't help me. I hate the fact I was the last one to know about these rumors, I'm unable to do damage control.  All I can say is this, these people spewing shit, they're opinions.  And I try to let them go,  but it's hard to because the shit said, was horrible.  So, I'm going to wrap this up, I am frustrated now,  and want to chew them out, again.Real eyes realize, real lies. Mic drop.