I lost my best friend

The loss of a loved one is traumatizing, and emotional. I lost a special person in my life.  It was the summer of 1993.  My sister and I lived with our dad and stepmom in the city, we spent the summer with our mom who lived in a trailer court out of the city limits.  My sister and I went to south east/City high, and the court was in northwest/West high school.  We met Angie, and friends.   We were going out with the same guy, his grandparents lived across the street from my mom,  he wasn't allowed to talk or look at females.  So Angie was on her way to my house to fight over him.  Instead we got smart,  We went up to his grandparents door, and knocked,  his grandpa opened the door, and called for him to come, he saw us together, jaw dropped and shut the door.   We laughed so hard, then that was the start of a beautiful friendship. We were always up at the pool, spraying sun in in our hair, going to the mall, or to the fair. Sneaking out to Angies house at night, because her dad worked over night.  BOO-Ya, and Taa-Dow were OUR words, along with starting a sentence with, "Dude" or, "bitch" we had such a great bond. We had so many slang words between us two, it was crazy.

TuPac and Snoop was our men, we could sing you the Dogg pound, and Tupac verbatim. Baby got back, and Tag Team, Whoop there it is, were our songs as well.

No matter what really happened between us we always seem to find each other again and be back at it again. We helped each other through a lot since 1993. I have TONS of memories. And I hang on tightly to those. I'm a sentimental person. I hold on to sentimental things. I have a HUGE memory box. And a lot of its from Angie and I.

I knew the day would come when one of us would be gone, But I really didnt think it would be in our forties.     

 We were always with our group of girlfriends, and we’d walk around the court like we owned the damn

place. We as a group would walk up the hill, and one time we all got caught up there by that old man, and he came running after us with a gun yelling at us to get off of his property. Somehow my sister got matrix legs and literally hurled herself over that barbed wire fence, while we were stuck laughing so hard we couldn't get over the fence.  

And we always went to church with my mom.

I was there for all of her babies when they were first born. And I love them all

like my own. She called one night at midnight. Me in Iowa, her in Alabama. We were 14, Her

first words were, “I'm pregnant!” then she started to cry because she was so scared. Scared about her heart, and this new life inside her. We talked till about 4 am. Hung up, and my phone rings 15 minutes later. Its her little brother. First words out of his mouth were, “Angela's pregnant!”   I said,   “really?!”  And he says back to me, “You already know!!”    I remember when she came back to Iowa with

Taylor. She wasn't even a week old and we looked at each other like, “wow this is a real baby ,one of us actually has one…” Because of her heart, she was told to abort. But she didn't want to. She wanted that baby, come hell or high water.

And everything she had to do during each pregnancy just to get that baby here, made her such a brave soul. And then here is a beautiful baby that you brought into this world that looks just like you. We spent that summer up at the pool, and had another fun summer.  We found out that her little pink baby, turned a golden brown in the summer.  

Her dad sent us into Eagles grocery store, it was dark. We were 14. We went in, got our things, and came back outside, saw a car in the parking lot with the headlights on, My comment was, 

 “ooops, looks like the strength of that battery is being tested!” We chuckled. Then realized that, that was her dad's car! Crap, we bee-lined for that car, laughing so hard, praying that it would still start.

One of my favorite memories I will hold of her, and I gave her crap for it was when my mom, me, my sister, and her ex-husband, were standing in our front yard and we were getting ready to leave. she proceeded to open up the passenger side door, push the seat forward, and got into the backseat, and realized what she had just done. 

She looked over at us when we're looking at her in disbelief because we just all saw her get in the backseat through the front passenger's door in a 4 door car. 

We were laughing so hard, we cried because the look on her face when she found out that she just did what she did was hilarious, and priceless. (In her defense, her dad only owned 2 door cars back then.) .We were actually on our way to get our drivers licenses, she used my moms car for the test.

Or the time when we all thought there was an animal in her bedroom hissing because every time we’d open the door we’d hear a, “hissssssss” we were seriously scared. Little Jeff went back there with his kitchen pot and pan armor on, and burst into the room. Then we heard him laugh. And his laughter got harder, we found out there was an aerosol hairspray bottle behind the door, and was spraying when the door pushed it open. 

Or when our hearts would race when we saw the flashing lights behind us, coming home from the bar, and had been drinking.  Only to find out it's her dad, and all he wants to know is if she had her house key. Our hearts pounding from fear thinking we were going to be in trouble. And when we got to her house, we laughed so hard!  

She stayed the night with me when I lived in Sutliff, and crashed on my couch, She had a dream that Freddy Kruger was cutting her. When we woke up and she was telling me about it, and on her forearms were scratches. My cat played with her during the night and that's where the dream came in. 

We always had such a blast when we went out,  we'd start at Grizzlys bar, play some pool, have some drinks and then head over to our other bar to dance at, The Press Box. 

There was this guy that danced crazy around at the Press Box, and we would laugh so hard at this guy because we thought wow he's got to have a lot of confidence to dance like that LOL

 we nicknamed him "The Wedding Singer." And that's what we called him. And then we all met The Wedding Singer and found out that he was a pretty cool dude. We'd run into him from time to time.

I remember when she found out she was pregnant with Malea, and I would come over and we would sit up all night playing cards , talking, laughing, watching horror movies, playing my super nintendo, or just a good ole episode of Forensic Files. And then Malea came, and there was another beautiful baby girl you brought in, that looked just like you. She was so proud of both of her girls.

Angie and I worked together a few times. And it was always a blast! We would prank each other quite a bit. I'd leave fake spiders in the money drawer, or on the desk. Then she got me back one day pretty good. I'll just say, A fake call returned to Mira Maines, at a funeral home,  was not who i was really calling.

Angie was the blunt one. If she didn’t like something done, she would definitely tell you. We called her, "Bitchen’ Betts."  We had our share of arguments, but what friendship doesn’t have that? We would always find our ways back to each other, mend or friendship, and there's Angie and Jill again. Watch out world!!

 Friends look out for each other. We did. Friends don't put each other in danger. There are things that Angie knows about me, that no one else does. 

After I lost my first daughter, she was there. I shared with her my daughters pictures and outfit she was in.  Things I had never shared with anyone.  She cried. And hated that I had to go through that. She thanked me for sharing such a private, sentimental thing with her.

I remember after she had Jeremiah, she said she felt complete with her 2 girls and her baby boy. She said she was scared at first because she didn't know how to raise a boy. But, she loved it. Jeremiah and My daughter are 2 weeks apart. And we finally had a baby the same age. Shortly after he was born, in 2007,  she had her first heart surgery. She (and we) knew she would have to have heart surgery, but they tried to hold off as long as they could, because it would have to be done again, probably in a decade. But, she recovered well. And was back at work.

She came over to sit with my mom, when my mom was alive, but terminally ill. I had to go to an appointment,  She cleaned up our kitchen, lol, she would pick a part of the house and go crazy cleaning it.  She loved my mom,  mom loved her back.  Her dad and stepmom, treated me like their own, and they still do.  

She had a lot of friends, she was the one that a lot of people went to for advice or to just talk. Because everybody knew she was going to be blunt and honest with you and let you know what she thinks of the situation. She was well known for always having to have her makeup done, and having her hair done curled, and doing her nails. She always found the best smelling lotion and, perfumes.  She loved her music. Always had a beautiful voice singing.  I loved hearing her sing.  

I have to be honest here, and I hate sharing this, but she was a drug addict.  She got hooked on Heroin.

And I hated that.  There were "friends" she had that supported her Heroin habit. That is not a friend. If she had been at my house still, and looked green, I would have taken her to the ER or called an ambulance.  I hated it when she'd leave to stay with her other "Friends" and come back, and would be coming down.  I hate Heroin.  Seeing her go through using it, tore me up.  I kept thinking of her heart, and her kids.  

Even though we had a falling out a couple of years ago when she was staying with me and my man, I still loved her regardless. We had a phone call about a week after she had left our house, and we made up, we said our I love yous, and said our sorrys, for what happened. 

I do wish I would have messaged her again sooner, just to hang out with her, or to chat one more time. She always had a way to cheer someone up. She loved writing her affirmations, she had a bunch written and a notebook she gave to my daughter. They stayed up one night writing them in another notebook together. She loved her grand-babies, they were her light, she loved Face-timing with her daughter and grand-babies. She said "Jill, being a mother is an amazing feeling, but being a grandmother is just a whole new feeling of love!"

Here we are at the fair, in 1993.  We got a lot of sun that summer, and we loved it. 

I am on the left, Angie in the middle, and my other best friend, Michelle on the right. Michelle was killed in a car accident in, 2006.  We clicked as well.  Ill write about her another time! 

This is a funny picture, Angie was actually floored and happy that i had kept all these pictures, and all of the notes she had written me in high school. 

We were in the shower, this was at my house.  We had just came inside from the pool, getting ready to go to the mall, we wanted to rinse off.  We also had or bathing suits on!

This is Heather sitting on the very left, Angie in the Red shirt, and me on right. We were outside taking pictures. 

This was a very fun night.  From left to Right, Tina, Sara, me, Angie, and Michelle.  She pointed that play gun at her and it took at the perfect time.  at that time, i had a disposable camera that I had to take to the store to develop, so I didn't see this picture till a few days later. This was when I lived in Sutliff, and Michelle was living with me.  Michelle and I came to Grizzlys, they all met for the first time, and we all had such a fun night!

When Angie was staying with my man and I a few years ago. 

Us two playing around on snapchat. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of us.  Grizzlys, 1999.

Angie, her daughter Malea and I

And Again. 

This was at her celebration of life.

  I got my last picture with Betts. 

She left her Alabama Roll Tide key clip, so ill sport that for her now. 

Always had such a beautiful smile. 

So until we meet again my dear friend, I will always love and carry your memory securely in my heart. 

I cherish every memory we have.  Ill keep your children close to my heart as well. 
we hadn't spoken since that last phone call we had.  And I still considered her, my best friend. 
Angie had another heart surgery done a few years ago.  Then they put in a pacemaker. 
    Her heart was tired, weak, and she put a lot of stress on it with the drugs. 

She went in to ER, on November 3rd, Her organs were already shutting down. Her oldest daughter said she was in the cardiac ICU.  She was asking for prayers.  When I saw that, I had a bad feeling, but prayed hard for her.  On November 4th after I woke up, I went to her daughters page first to check, She had announced that she passed away early that morning.  I actually lost it. My man grabbed me and held me. He knew she was still special to me. 

If you have something to say to someone, DO IT!!  I wish I had called her or messaged her sooner. I think maybe I could have helped.   Her not being here anymore is honestly tearing me up. 

Rest peacefully, Angela Michelle Betts-Linaras. 

Your smile will forever be shining. 

June 24th 1978~~November 4th, 2022

Health is Important

Lets chat about health.  Physical, mental, and, with your insides. As long as I can remember, I would get this icky feeling upon me. I felt this when I was young, Id complain, but was told that I played soccer too hard, or played softball, so that is what it was from. (according to my parents)  Sometimes it would sneak up on me, id feel worse as the night went on.  Id feel stiff and my body would just ache.  Id have a dull headache, my tummy would cramp, my anxiety was horrible, like i could climb the walls.  Id get hot and cold flashes.  Id feel, "tough" as my mom would say she would feel too sometimes.  She would say she would feel the same way.  And her mom too had the same symptoms, I later would find out. Mom said Grandma would sit there and just sweat, like dripping sweat.  She would sit down in front of a fan till the, "hot flash" would go away.   When it would happen when i lived alone in a little place called Sutliff. I drank a lot, so I just blamed it on the alcohol.  It  passed for some years,  I didn't really feel it till I was in my early 40s.  The first time it hit me again, it felt like i had hit a brick wall.  I was down.  I woke up around 3 am, just soaked.  I went to the bathroom to change my clothes, and i could literally ring out my pj's.  For almost a week i was on my chair, trying to get better.  I couldn't eat anything, so i would eat ice chips, or sip green tea, anything i ingested, sent me running to the bathroom.  Head hurt, body just ached, Hot then cold, sweating, hot then cold, my tummy felt weird, horrible anxiety.  This went on like once a month for about a year.  I thought it was menopause.  And to be honest, I was fine with that.  My Dr did too.  We did some blood work, and it showed i was on the cusp of starting menopause.  I really started to think about what else it could be.  It had to be something i was ingesting. I drank pop during the day, and green tea with ginseng and honey.  I did a breath test for glucose, passed that.  And then I did another breath test for High Fructose Corn Syrup.  I responded to that test quite well.   So, there was my diagnosis.  And I was upset.  I loved Dr Pepper.  I loved my green tea with ginseng and honey.  So now I had to cut all that out.  We think that I was ingesting it to the point it was building up, and then  it got to the point where my body couldn't handle it, Bam, Bitch you're down.  I cut the pop, and Tea.  I started to drink just water, and slowly started to bring stuff back into my diet.  But, who would have thought that a  Intolerance to High Fructose Corn Syrup would be what was making me sick.  Really Sick.  I actually feel a little better just drinking water!  
I also have an autoimmune condition, called, Adult Onset Still's Disease.   Its a Rare, severe, form of Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I was diagnosed with this when I was just about to turn 21.  With this I also have a stiff joints, my whole body feels like a big charlie horse. My Blood work was all wonky, especially my WBC count was really High. In fact they thought i had leukemia, and i was sent to see an oncologist.  Id have a low grade fever, a salmon colored itchy rash,  and my throat was sore too.  I remember when they were still trying to figure out what was wrong with me,  my Rheumy would grab students, or other Drs, to come look at my rash.  like i was the  huge Gem someone found.  I have been on prednisone since 1999.  Im on such a low dose now, im trying to get off of them.  I also do an infusion at home, Actemra. I just stick it in my leg.  My rheumy had a hunch that something else was wrong with me because of one blood test that was concerning to him.   He studied it and then knew what it was, Antisynthetase syndrome pl 7.   Huh?!  Yeah,  I had some studying to do too now. So,  with this now explained a lot.   So symptoms are inflammation of the muscles. (myositis, got that!)  Inflammation of several joints, (polyarthritis, which I have) Thickening and cracking of the skin, especially on the hands, (oh yes, my hands get so dry, and they crack open)  Raynaud phenomenon, where my fingers and toes go numb, turn white,  and ill have a prickly sensation especially when Its cold. So, when I say I do not feel good, one of those conditions have me down. I do not work, I cant work, I've heard the, "It must be nice to not work!"  yeah,  It. Really. Is.  I hate it. I loved to work, I've had some kick ass co-workers. Its awesome to have this so I can stay home. (😏 ) And then Ill hear, "oh my friend has arthritis in his knee and he does this and that!" well, good for your buddy, (👏👏) first of all, that is one joint,  what I have affects every single joint. And just because your buddy can do it, doesn't mean that I can. I've heard, "well if you get up and move around...." I've been called lazy before too. (😣😠) I wish that that "person" could have these conditions for a week and then talk to me.  Its frustrating.  And it hurt to hear such a thing, especially since it came from a loved one. I dont talk about it, or post about it, for attention.  Or for sympathy. 
I post for awareness.  So the next time you think it's nice to be able to,  be home all the time, please know I think it must be nice to be able to work.

October is Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month!

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 
Remembering my daughter,  Haley LynnBorn still, 3/15/2006
Proclamation 5890 -- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988 October 25, 1988 By the President of the United States of America A Proclamation Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems. Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss. Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well. The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as ``Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month'' and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month. Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities. In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth. Ronald Reagan

Pets are kids!

I've always had cats.  I remember my first kitty, Paxton.  Tiger stripped. he was my baby. I lost Paxton in a fire I had back in 2001.  That was hard.  Then there was Titus.  He was a grey kitty, and when id get home, he'd run up to me and wrap his arms around my neck.  He was a sweetheart.  I got him when i found out i was pregnant, in 2006.  He would sleep on my belly.  He got ourside and i never saw him again.  I also had a calico, rag doll, beautiful female, he name was MFK.  lol, Mutha Fruckin Kat, OR, Miss Forrest Kitty!  She knew when I said, MFK she was in trouble. I got her when I had Paxton, she was the cat I took to re-home the day of my fire.  I got her back like 3 months later.  I then re-homed her again to a family member.  after I lost Haley, I got her back. She was a snuggle buggle, she would crawl under the blanket and up to my armpit where she would, "make bread" (my mom would say) and drool. 
she got sick so i had to make that hard decision to put her down. I didn't think I was going to have any other cats till Hawkeye came around.  He was just a little kitten. and he wouldn't even go near me. He'd high five my hand and step back. It got really cold, and i thought he passed.  one day i was outside, and there he was, on my lap. He loved my mom. Hed sit on our porch and look in at us.  I finally got him fixed and he came inside.  Hes about 9 now.  and is the sweetest cat ever. He loves to cuddle. He loved sitting on my moms lap. And sleeping with her. when mom passed, Hawkeye knew something happened.  we moved, and he would cry at night for my mom. I was handed a kitten one day from a homeless guy, a little black kitty.  Not even a day old, still had the umbilical cord on her.  I took her to the animal clinic, and there they found a foster home. She came back to the animal clinic, and I adopted her.  she was 5 weeks old when i brought her home.  she was loud and very bold!  Hawkeye adjusted quick.  And she doesn't cover her shit!!  yeah, she can clear a room!  I thought my heart was full till one day my man and I were looking for a puppy.  a friend of his dog had puppies and they were Siberian Husky.  we went and picked one out, and when she was 5 weeks old, she came home with us.  My daughter was tickled pink!  She, Patches,  was the best puppy. when she was almost 2, she got pregnant.  From a full blooded Siberian Husky.  she had 6 puppies, 4 girls, and 2 boys.  we were just going to keep the white male pup, until i went to check on them and the first born, (the runt) was moving around so i picked her up and she had one eye open!  I knew then she wasn't leaving.  I named her,  Jemma.  the male we named, Gideon.  Jemma is a stinker, and very bold, talkative, she loves to cuddle, and my shadow. She follows me.  Shes the hunter, any small critter that gets in our yard, usually dont make it out of our yard. she hates squirrels.  I think they nest in the tree in our yard on purpose. Gideon is a shy guy.  Hes very timid, and will ape Jemma.  I never thought id be a dog mom.  but here i am with 3 doggos.  These fur-kids are my life. They go everywhere with me, (weather permitted)  Even the two female Guinea pigs we have.  We have a mother and her baby.  Mama, Mia, was about a year and we took her baby who was 4 weeks that day.  they are pure black.  Mia is timid, and Lulu, is a little stinker butt. She wheeks a lot, and got her mama to do it too. They love their veggies!  I love that noise,    Its a neat noise! My heart is full, but can overflow with my love for my kiddos. I want more, but will have to wait. I want to have a few mini donkeys.  they fascinate me, and have heard their very affectionate.  I also will add a few fainting goats, Id love a Billy goat too!  I need a farm, a few more dogs too. My kids are important.  They are part of the family.  They're good kids.  They're good listeners, and love to wash your face.  And, its proven that cats and dogs helps with depression. They do. Go get a Kid. 

Love

Let's talk about Love. Look at your current situation.  What is it about it that you love?Are you in a relationship? Or just love being you and on your own? Living with the one you love isn't easy,  but it's not hard.  When your with them,  it shouldn't be about who did or didn't do what.   Living with the one you love should go smooth,  like you two never missed a beat even though it took 20 years to find each other again.  It should be making sure your man has clean clothes for the week , and a meal on the table after work, sitting down together as a family to eat dinner every night. We both love to do the same things, fishing, camping, Huskies, boating, eating, hunting, football, (i may have actually turned him on to football...😁)Its meeting both families,  (blood or not)  and they all love you and your other.   It's not about what he bought me or a ring.   Or how big their bank account is, or their home. Showering together to save water,  watching some Hulu, and binge watch because you just want too. Being myself with him.  And know that its OK to let one rip around him, (blame it on the dog, lol) blasting the radio and singing at the top of my lungs, and he thinks I sound beautiful. (when I know I don't, lol) and knowing that I can tell him anything.  Going to bed together every night, and knowing that their just in arms reach.  And every morning waking up together, to spend an hour before work, having coffee.   Watching your other with your fur-kids.  And with my human child.  I love how hes not jealous, picky, or mean to her.  They mesh well!  They throw food at each other at the dinner table, and try to scare each other too. And I know that he would do anything for her. 
I can literally count on one hand how many fights we have had in the almost seven years we have been together.  Why argue?  and over stupid stuff, like laundry, chores, or kids.  Its just doing them without the fight.  If you have to always ask yourself if you've made the right decision, then you probably didn't. Why stay and continue to fight, don't you want to be happy, and your other to be happy too?  Then just go.  Don't continue to be unhappy.Love is a number of things.  We just have to find that other person that is the one you see yourself together in the future.   And there is someone for everyone! Peace and Love. JMM

How many kids do you have...?

I'm sure everyone gets this question.I do. And it's the answer I hate replying too.TWO! I have two daughters. One that soars in heaven, and one who runs on earth.That one reply, one that soars...So, Let's talk about something that people think is taboo, or morbid or, such a tragedy that it's just too horrible to talk about. Baby loss.  Pregnancy loss.I've had 5 miscarriages and one stillbirth. Each loss was devastating. But my stillbirth was the hardest.  Everything was ready for her. We had just purchased her car seat.  My dad was making her a crib. (By mean making, building from wood. his plan. the plan that he made for us, his 4 kids. and his 8 grandchildren to use) Monday March 13th 2006, I was 35 weeks pregnant.  And I had noticed i hadn't felt her kick that day, and day before.   It was a busy weekend.  So I tried to find her heartbeat on a Doppler at home.  I thought i wasn't using it right because it wasn't working.  I just decided to go to the Labor and Delivery.  The OB tried to find her heartbeat and also nothing.  They ordered a ultrasound.  There they saw she was face down, and had no heartbeat.  I was induced that night,  I laid in L&D till Wednesday morning, when they finally broke my water.  At 8:40 am, I felt something down there, and sure enough there was her head. 
At 8:48 am,  Haley Lynn was born silently.  It was Haley's dad, (my ex husband) my mom, my dad, my stepmother, and I there.  We all got to say hello, and see you again all in one day.  My nurse gave her a bath, took pictures, took her hand and footprints, and a lock of hair for me.  We spent a few hours with her, and I was discharged.  We went home.  Our arms empty.  my heart was shattered.  I WANTED MY BABY!! It was so hard going home because all of her stuff was still out.  Her car seat still in the box, a dresser full of baby girl clothes.  My dad put my crib aside.  He said he couldn't look at it for a while.  We had a graveside service for Haley a few days later.  I was burying my daughter.  Parents are not supposed to bury their children.   
Sixteen years have gone by.  And in those 16 years i have learned a lot about pregnancy and infant loss.1.  Get pictures, foot hand prints.  A Lock of hair. 2. Hold your baby.  And take them home if you're able too, ( i found out later, i could have.)3. Take as much time to grieve, take time off of work. 
4.  There is no time limit for grief. And If you're on the friend side some things not to say. 1. Never say, "At least...." 
"something was wrong""god wanted him/her more""You can have another""Be thankful for your living children""I know how you feel, I lost my grandpa...""It was Gods Will"Really, Just say,  "I'm sorry" 
Help with some meals, or a chore around the house.  
So,  I have 2 daughters.  
I would have a junior and a sophomore. 
Don't clench up, and make a horrified face when I mention her name, she is still and will always be a part of my life.    Stillbirth/miscarriage happens to 1 of 5 pregnancies. Kick counts, count!!  Do them!! I just thought I was far enough that she didn't have room too. Wrong!

Update on me!

Im Still Here! 
Since my last post, Ive been through so much. My dad suddenly passed away from a heart attack at his house.  We were not close, but I still loved him.  I was going to call him that day too.  Its horrible having both parents gone.  My stepfather also passed away.  weird how my 3 parents all passed away in May. within 4 years of each other.  Dates and me are very unique!  Especially the month of March. Anyways,  I also had a huge back surgery.  I had my L4/L5 and my, S1 fused.  Life after spinal fusion has been very interesting.  My limits have been tested.  My frustration levels are high,  not being able to move a certain direction has been challenging.  Here's what I have figured out with spinal fusion. 1, sleep nude, or in a silk nighty, (<--- cheaper)  and or have silk sheets. it makes it easier to slide around in bed. And trust me, you will be sliding around!  2, wear your brace!  Its cumbersome, but will help. I did every time i got up. I wore it so much that after 5 some weeks post-op, i had rubbed my "bump" (more on my bump later)  i raced to my back dr, and i had rubbed it so much it was very angry, red, and very painful! So i was excused from wearing my brace. 3.  My "Bump"  it was at the surgical site where my hard ware sits.  Yes, Hard wear. I now have 6 lovely titanium screws in my back.   It was so hard to lay in bed.  It was hell getting in and out of bed.  My man would be right there to help me get into bed.  It was nice having him, "tuck me in" to bed!  It took almost 5 minutes those first few weeks.  And then with my bump i had to lay sideways almost.  4.  Keep up with your pain meds!  They do work if you take them as said too!  They did for me!5.  Get a walker, a cane, a bath chair, and a raised toilet seat.  seems funny, but all of those items will help you.  I used my walker for the first month.  And then my cane. The raised toilet seat was used for maybe a month, and now I have some toilet bars, and they are nice to have.   The bathtub chair was the best!  It was nice sitting in the shower to shower, we have a removable shower head, so it was perfect! My first shower was at a week after.  Our shower is in a corner, so it was a step up, and then a huge step down.  Make sure you have a bath mat so you don't slip, and my man was there helping.  He actually washed my hair for me! Shaving my legs was difficult.   Use press and seal!  It does work! 6.  Take the help offered!  My mans mom lives next door, so she was with me the first few days i was home.  She cleaned the kitchen and made dinner as well! That was very nice.  Shockingly, my 15 year old daughter helped with dishes a few times!  WOW!7.  Now your told not to,  lift, push, pull, squat, bend, twist, stay straight.  Its hard to do, or not to do.Its a struggle, but with my tribe, we get it done! some back pictures, and my x-rays!