Family.

My dad remarried when I was about 5. They were in the Army together. Soon after,  they had a baby.  A boy.  Dad, after 3 girls finally got his boy.   Yay, a little brother.  He was well protected with us girls always watching him, playing with him napping, snuggling with him. Our stepmother was very neat. Very organized,  everything had its place. I swear she could smell if there was a toy out of place or a picture frame moved different.  We counted doll shoes, matchbox cars, GI Joe dolls as well. Like I said, she was neat.  Our dad and her had custody of us 2 younger girls while our oldest sister lived with our mom.  We'd spend every other weekend with our mom then 2 weeks in the summer with her and maybe a few days with her over Christmas break.  We followed the decree. Stepmom has 2 sisters. Those sisters each had 2 boys.  We vacationed together at the same spot every year. Always had a blast.Now, with this post, don't get me wrong, I love my dad and stepmom.  They raised me, (she didn't have too) and she did love us girls.With that being said, I don't agree with things done as we were growing up.   If we didn't listen, we got our ears pulled. And hard.  If we touched something we shouldn't have, we got our knuckles slapped with a wooden spoon.  Once during the summer, us 2 girls and sometimes our younger brother would stay home during the day.  We made popcorn. It burnt. We tried to hide the smell, and the popcorn bag in the garbage in the garage.  They smelled it, found the bag, and we 2 girls got our asses beat, by our dad's hand.  Now, after us girls moved on and out, we weren't mentioned at their family. Hell, one of her sisters divorced her husband. Met another man, remarried, and he had kids. Now, tell me why, they were listed in stepmoms mom and dad obituary, but us girls weren't.  And then this brings me to the now, we are different politics wise.   And, if who I voted for won, I sure as fuck wouldn't have texted that side of the family glorious texting, like they did me.  Or, one "Aunt" deleted and blocked me on social media. Really? Didn't like my, basically, "fuck Trump" posts?  So, I just deleted and blocked that whole side of the family.  Fuck it.  That right there is a tRump thing to do, be a bully. If anything I've learned from my dad? Is just turning my back on people. Buuuut, the Christian side my mom instilled on me? I can't. I can't turn my back.  So, the next time I see these people, (if I ever do again...) just know, you'll get a smile and hug from me.  Not a cold shoulder like I expect from them.  I'm torn between treating people like I'm being treated or, treating people, the way I want to be treated. One thing MY mom taught me was to stand my ground.  And I do.  Always will.  So, 

To my family

I love you, but I dont want anything to do with you.I wish the best for all of you.I'm going to just start ignoring you, like you all do me.I'm tired of the same lies being brought up.I'm tired of being treated like shit all the time.I'm tired of being snickered at. I'm tired of being left out of stuff.When you went around telling lies about that I treated my mom like shit when she was alive, that damaged me.  Were you there? nope. Because you wouldn't help me. I asked.  And you wouldn't help. And give me shit because I wanted to go out one night, Or wanted to go stay a night with my man.  You all took that as if I was running around all the time.  I too needed time away from my home.  When I was there, with my mom, it was a reminder that my mom was dying, and there was nothing I could do.  It's healthy to go and spend time with friends. It was a coping mechanism. Everyone grieves different. My half-brother,  took it upon himself to message me one day telling me how I didn't care for our dad.  This coming from the man who took his wife back, my dad couldn't stand his wife. My dad told him, not to take her back.  So about a month before our dad passed, he got back with his wife, and completely treated our dad like shit, and ignored him, up until the day he passed away. So, in other words, he choose his "wife" over our dad.   He feels the only reason I come around the family is if it's beneficial for me.How?  For what?  Us girls probably won't see anything from our dad, I'm sure. I couldn't care less!  I got a few tangible items, And you know what?  Those items are priceless. Those items will last forever.  My dad is in my heart.  I feel the only reason his wife is "back" is because of the money.  Enjoy it while you can. 🙄 Money will run out. Love won't. I go to see my family, but you ruined it, with the lies you manifested,  so therefore I stay away.  You'd do the same. I love my dad, and stepmother. She will always be my bonus mom, who raised us and gave us girls a lot! And it's appreciated. After my mom passed, I asked my sister multiple times if we were ok. She kept saying yes.  Then about three years later, all these lies surface that she had been spreading since before my mom passed. It actually made me sick to hear this shit.She lied to me.  It hurt.  We were so close.  I racked my brain trying to figure out why. Only thing I could come up with was that she was jealous of my wonderful relationship with my mom.
My 16 year old niece took it upon herself to message me about a grown up issue that she didn't even have NO part in.  Telling me I wasn't part of the family, and again shit about my mom. Who is she to decide who is in the family or not?  Not her! And my Dear niece, do you now feel like a "badass" because you thought you, "told me"? 😉 🤣Told me family don't talk shit about each other.  That's all they do about me.  Ever since my mom passed in 2016, thats all ive heard about me. Family talking shit about me.  She told me i was digging the hole deeper.  Hmmm....i should've just said to her, "POT, KETTLE,  BLACK"  instead i stooped to her unmature level and came back at her.  I used something against her, that I probably shouldn't have said. But I was fuming. I called my sister something I probably shouldn't have said.  But my word!  I feel like saying, "it hurts when family say untrue shit about you, huh?"   And, when she's talking shit about me, no one flinches, but I say something and holy shit!  It's like the sky just dropped.  What. The. Actual.  FUCK? I know an eye for an eye is a sin.  And forgive me dear Lord.I said that grandma would be so disappointed in them.   And she would for treating her baby girl like shit and no part in our family. Who the hell is she defending a 50 yr old man, that if so, can call or text me if he feels.Accusations towards my daughter "talking shit" she was telling the truth. What she said at the shower, about an individual,  was all true.  I actually know the whole story, I said I didn't just out of respect for 2 of my nieces.I'm drained, mentally exhausted. Narcissistic people, blame you for thier actions.So I'm done.  I have 7 nieces, and 3 of them have made it so I'm not getting them anything for christmas.  I'm done.  My wallet thanks you! And that's my money. I did earn it.  😏 Yes, I'm on disability, for my Rheumatoid Arthritis, and my back.  I have 6 screws in my back, and my hardware malfunctioned. So I'm in pain, 24/7.  I'm happy for your friend, working after his back surgery.  I did too. People are different, we all heal differently. I've learned that, family are just people who are existing.  You share blood. That's it.My family now, we don't share blood. We share love, compassion,  trust, honesty and lots of laughs! So, I'll be your cheerleaders from afar. I'll love you from afar. My life is better when I'm around the family I made my own. 
Peace, light, and, love to you, and yours. ~~Me!

Clearing the air.

When my mom fell sick, I was just getting out of a horrible relationship.  So I moved in with her to help her out.  She then didn't know what she was sick.  A few months went by, and she went to the doctor.  It was pancreatic cancer, stage 4.  That was May of 2014.  She started chemo.  I took her to all her chemo appointments and her radiation appointments when she had it.  She woke me up many times in the night for ER visits. I have 2 sisters, sister A, and she helped out a lot. Sister B, not really.   I could always tell when her cancer went into remission, vrs when it would be back full force.   When she ate, we could literally hear the food drop into her stomach.  She would take two bites and run for the bathroom.  It was awful watching something so nasty take my beautiful, awesome, smart mom. Mom had diaries she started when she got sick.  Letters to us girls.  I'll get back to those.She was in so much pain that they gave her a few Fentanyl patches. (Very dangerous!  Do not use those! ) She had one on and went to go to the bathroom, and she fell.  I couldn't get her back up, so I had to call our neighbor, who was a good friend of my mother's, to help me pick her up and put her back into bed. We had baby monitors, so if she needed anything, she would just yell in to the baby monitor.  She hollered once overnight, I helped her to the bathroom, and back to bed with ease.  The next morning,  I was getting my daughter up for a school field trip,  it was about 7am, my daughter was about 6, we heard a big thud, my daughter ran to her bathroom ahead of me and was the first one to see her head first in to her bath tub. When I got there, I helped her up to sit her on the toilet. That pain patch had her so fucked up, she kept falling.  I grabbed a rubber glove and pulled that damn patch off her and wrapped it in the glove.  I called the neighbor back and by the time he got to our house, her forehead had a HUGE goose egg the size of a golf ball.  I called 911. And i Gave that patch to the paramedic.  She was taken too hospital and put in the ICU. No bleeding on her brain, thankfully!  She spent about a week in the hospital.  The hospital hooked mom up with some things. 1. She started to get meals om wheels. 2.  A nurses aid to come help her showers.  Which was awesome to have.  I have RA and a bad back so it was hard for me to do certain things. She had a few wonderful ladies that would come and help. Sister B asked me about this notebook that our mom had, where she recorded her med times. It was all scribbles.     So I told her I'd watch her more closely. 

 

So one day I noticed she was kind of loopy. When her helper arrived and helped her in to the shower, I was going to count her pain medication. She was taking morphine at this time.  (Which I'm actually allergic too) When they were in the bathroom, this is where I fucked up, I took her meds and counted them, at that time that helper saw me.  I knew she did too.  After she was done, she went outside and called sister A.  That next day or so, hospice came out and put every med of hers in a locked box but a weeks worth of meds.  

About a week later, my daughter came home from school with a 102. Temp. I called Sister b to help. Nope, she can't, and neither of her 4 kids can't either. Sister A decided to come out and get mom and take her to her house because by then, I caught it.  

We had food.  She complained about the meals on wheels food. I had a food card, and I'd get mom whatever she wanted.  And her laundry, it was going. She always did hers in the afternoon,  so when it was done, I took it to her. 

So there, that's what happened.  

 I see who reads my blog, so I'm hoping that someone Sees this!

Love and peace, Jill

Family,

Lets talk about family. Are you close to yours? They say that when the glue of the family goes, then the family follows. Isn't that a fucking true statement. I have 2 bio sisters, 1 adopted sister, and a half brother. I talk to one sister, and my adopted sister.Our mom got sick, she was diagnosed with, Pancreatic Cancer. 
It was horrible watching my mom basically die before my eyes. This is one of the cancers you wouldn't think would hit your home.  But it did.  Pancreatic Cancer.  The survival rate is low. 
I moved in with my mom to help her.  I took her to her DRs appointments, her chemo, her radiation. Even when she would wake me up in the middle of the night needing to go to the ER.  I called 911 many times. I needed help. A few times, my niece came to stay the night at our house so I could go stay the night with my man. There was a nurse that would come out and help her shower.But other than that, it was me.  My mom was our glue. My daughter came down with the flu, and had a 102. Temp. So mom couldn't be around her. So she went with her dad.  Then it hit me.  So my oldest sister came and got her so she could stay there.  Now, this is the sister who kept telling mom to sell the house and move in with her.  When asked about me, she said, "oh well"  mom kept telling her no. So when she finally went there, that was the end.  She had had about 16 blood transfusions that week.  Her body was slowly shutting down.  Mom had her stuff in the washer, when it was done, I took it to her. She asked me if I brought her shoes, because she wanted to go home to die. The home she worked her ass off for, for 30 some years. Her home. Where it was quiet. Every time is go see her, she was worse than the day before. She'd always ask me if I brought her her shoes.  Treatments were stopped. And suddenly,  she had allllllllll the help, i couldn't have.  I was devastated.  My mom. The one who taught me everything,  but how to live without her. So I had had surgery on May 24 on my left hand, 2nd time around.  When I got home, I called the lady that was with her to let her know I was home, and the surgery went fine. I was going to rest a bit and go see her. About 30 minutes later I got the text that she had passed.  My other sister came and got me since I couldn't because of my surgery. Losing her was horrible. Especially to something that you can't do anything for. There were songs she wanted to have played that she told me about, but when I mentioned it, it was dismissed. So, I find out my sister's got a tattoo for our mom, without me.  And then I heard the rumors about me. And what I heard of what I "did" made me sick. I about threw up. My head was spinning. And then It clicked.  That's why my family would walk away when I walked over to them.  Or ignore me.  Then my half-brother, not from MY mom, messaged me and chewed me out on what I supposedly "did"  he was drunk, as usual. I really haven't spoken to that sister in about 3 years, or to my half-brother.  I don't care too.  I'm so sick of people spewing shit that isn't true.  So, if you think for one second that I didn't treat my mom right, YOU ARE NO FRIEND/FAMILY TO ME!!   So, family isn't your blood. It's your people that know you.  That trust you. That check up on you, people that offer their shoulder, people that say, "screw them" My tribe is a small one.  And that's how I like it. I don't need a huge tribe, I don't want a huge tribe.  I trust my tribe, I love my tribe. As long as I know what the truth is, then they can fuck off.  They weren't there. They didn't help me. I hate the fact I was the last one to know about these rumors, I'm unable to do damage control.  All I can say is this, these people spewing shit, they're opinions.  And I try to let them go,  but it's hard to because the shit said, was horrible.  So, I'm going to wrap this up, I am frustrated now,  and want to chew them out, again.Real eyes realize, real lies. Mic drop.