Dreams.

How do you dream?Full color?  Black and white? Do you see 3d or is it like a magazine or a movie?I have vivid dreams.  I have the same dreams. In 2001, I had a fire that destroyed my home and everything in it even my kitty.  I was supposed to be there, taking a nap,  but I ended up leaving right before it started.   In one dream, I'm at my home in sutliff, and wake up to my home on fire.  I try and throw a boot at the window and it won't break. Its weird, because just the top 2 feet of the home is on fire. And I can't get out.  My cat is at my feet.  I grab him and hoover down.  And I wake up.  My other dream, is I go back there to get my stuff because only the top 2 feet is burning.  It's still on fire.   I'm trying to hide from the land owner, he's in his machine shed right next to my home.  I go in and I'm home.  It's like I'm back and all of my things are there. I don't want to leave, I want to be home.  I look around like I'm in a store looking at stuff that I've never seen before.   I'm there trying to get what I want out of my home before he sees me.  I don't want anything to do with him.  He tried to make sexual advances to me and I didn't want him around me.   I'm home. And I wake up.   It's a nightmare.  I wake up sweaty, I realize it's a dream and try to go back to sleep. I had this really wonderful friend she became one of my best friends, she was killed in a car accident in January of 2006. So couple months later I'm planning my wedding, and so I send one to her husband.  After the wedding we had a Target gift card, so we were in Target and I see her husband and he's with another lady, oh well, and she turns and goes down aisle and he turns around to visit with us, he apologizes for not attending our wedding. And small Chit Chat and we were on our way. So in my dream she is alive, and I need to go to her house to tell her that I saw her husband with some other lady.I arrived to her house and she came out on the front porch and I was like trying to tell her and she looked at me and said "I know it's okay. Come on inside,"  so we went inside and it was a staircase leading up, so on the second Landing her boys were asleep on a bed, we went up another six steps and there is the landing, and there her was her husband sleeping in his bed, we went up another two Landings, and there was a door the very top and it was white and very bright she opened it up and it was just bright in there and she looked at me and said "I've got to go now,"  and I looked at her and said but,  "I had so much to tell you," and she said "it's okay I'll see you again." She walked in to that very bright room, and shut the door behind her. I woke up, in tears and sat straight up, and realized that I just walked my best friend to heaven.It was such a beautiful, powerful, emotional dream. What's yours?

Clearing the air.

When my mom fell sick, I was just getting out of a horrible relationship.  So I moved in with her to help her out.  She then didn't know what she was sick.  A few months went by, and she went to the doctor.  It was pancreatic cancer, stage 4.  That was May of 2014.  She started chemo.  I took her to all her chemo appointments and her radiation appointments when she had it.  She woke me up many times in the night for ER visits. I have 2 sisters, sister A, and she helped out a lot. Sister B, not really.   I could always tell when her cancer went into remission, vrs when it would be back full force.   When she ate, we could literally hear the food drop into her stomach.  She would take two bites and run for the bathroom.  It was awful watching something so nasty take my beautiful, awesome, smart mom. Mom had diaries she started when she got sick.  Letters to us girls.  I'll get back to those.She was in so much pain that they gave her a few Fentanyl patches. (Very dangerous!  Do not use those! ) She had one on and went to go to the bathroom, and she fell.  I couldn't get her back up, so I had to call our neighbor, who was a good friend of my mother's, to help me pick her up and put her back into bed. We had baby monitors, so if she needed anything, she would just yell in to the baby monitor.  She hollered once overnight, I helped her to the bathroom, and back to bed with ease.  The next morning,  I was getting my daughter up for a school field trip,  it was about 7am, my daughter was about 6, we heard a big thud, my daughter ran to her bathroom ahead of me and was the first one to see her head first in to her bath tub. When I got there, I helped her up to sit her on the toilet. That pain patch had her so fucked up, she kept falling.  I grabbed a rubber glove and pulled that damn patch off her and wrapped it in the glove.  I called the neighbor back and by the time he got to our house, her forehead had a HUGE goose egg the size of a golf ball.  I called 911. And i Gave that patch to the paramedic.  She was taken too hospital and put in the ICU. No bleeding on her brain, thankfully!  She spent about a week in the hospital.  The hospital hooked mom up with some things. 1. She started to get meals om wheels. 2.  A nurses aid to come help her showers.  Which was awesome to have.  I have RA and a bad back so it was hard for me to do certain things. She had a few wonderful ladies that would come and help. Sister B asked me about this notebook that our mom had, where she recorded her med times. It was all scribbles.     So I told her I'd watch her more closely. 

 

So one day I noticed she was kind of loopy. When her helper arrived and helped her in to the shower, I was going to count her pain medication. She was taking morphine at this time.  (Which I'm actually allergic too) When they were in the bathroom, this is where I fucked up, I took her meds and counted them, at that time that helper saw me.  I knew she did too.  After she was done, she went outside and called sister A.  That next day or so, hospice came out and put every med of hers in a locked box but a weeks worth of meds.  

About a week later, my daughter came home from school with a 102. Temp. I called Sister b to help. Nope, she can't, and neither of her 4 kids can't either. Sister A decided to come out and get mom and take her to her house because by then, I caught it.  

We had food.  She complained about the meals on wheels food. I had a food card, and I'd get mom whatever she wanted.  And her laundry, it was going. She always did hers in the afternoon,  so when it was done, I took it to her. 

So there, that's what happened.  

 I see who reads my blog, so I'm hoping that someone Sees this!

Love and peace, Jill

Religion

Are you religious? I was brought up in church. Every Sunday we were at Sunday school, then to church. And then sometimes back to church Sunday night.  We read our Bible every night before bed.  So, my mother, born and raised Amish/Mennonite, (I have a LOT of Amish/Mennonite family!) She graduates from, Iowa Mennonite School, she moves to Colorado for college.  Her sister, (my aunt) was seeing a gentleman in the Army. He knew my dad, who was freshly in the army. My mom and dad married. My dad was brought up Catholic, in Orange California. He grew up mostly in a catholic boarding school.  So when a catholic marries a Mennonite lots could happen. Mom threw her "flour sifter" and put a doily on instead and they went to Lower Deer Creek Church. Lived in a house my grandpa Yoder built in, Joetown. They had a good life.  A German shepherd,  Fritz. They were married for quite a few years before they had kids.  3 girls.  Mom and dad bought land west of wellman. When my parents divorced,  they lost their membership at the Mennonite church, and lost their burial plots. My mom did remarry to a man that we all knew when we were kids, he was a wonderful man, they were together for quite a few years and only married for about six. When he left my mom started the reading her Bible more.My mom was a devout Christian, the radio is set to gospel songs in her car, and until noon she would watch ABC, untill about, 5:00 she would watch Church. After the news it was back to church until she went to bed. It would be nothing for me to hear her start singing a gospel song or throwing her hands up in the air, and saying,  "Praise Jesus!"Until the day she died she constantly had her Bible in her hand. I have her original Bible with all of the verses She had underlined or highlighted or wrote In, and I love flipping through it. My mom was the type that never judged you, I could tell her anything and she would never ever look at me wrong. She never cut anybody out of her life, she was always there for you. Christianity isn't it just about believing in the Lord and going to church every Sunday. Being a Christian is being honest, humble, lovable, respectful, caring, and never judgemental towards anything or anyone.  My dad and stepmother were very religious as well, my stepmother was Dutch. She was born and raised in Northwest Iowa. Her and my dad met in the army. My stepmother retired from the Army as Lieutenant Colonel, and my dad retired as a first sergeant. We were at church every Sunday. This was a little different upbringing than moms. Whenever we did something wrong or we're in trouble we had the Lord thrown at us. And if we lied we were told we got a black spot on our heart from the Lord.You could tell that we had Army parents by the way our house was, everything had its place there was no junk drawer LOL, we counted Barbie shoes before we put them away, we counted their outfits before we stuck them away as well. We can at the Matchbox cars my brother had if we played with them before we put them away. Bed had to be made and clothes had to be folded and stuck in the specific spots. I am very thankful for my upbringing, I'm glad that I have a family that doesn't sit around and curse all the time, I'm thankful for all the things that I got to do as a child, I am very thankful for my Christian family.What religion are you? 

The Vermont jr dollhouse

As some of you know,  I'm a dollhouse Freak.  I've built, 6 so far. And I'm on my 2nd renovation house. This one was really fun to work on.  It's the perfect sized house. I love my creations.  I love picking the wall papers, and flooring.  This is what it looked like when I got it.

So, this is my happy place, when I'm in creation-land.

Family,

Lets talk about family. Are you close to yours? They say that when the glue of the family goes, then the family follows. Isn't that a fucking true statement. I have 2 bio sisters, 1 adopted sister, and a half brother. I talk to one sister, and my adopted sister.Our mom got sick, she was diagnosed with, Pancreatic Cancer. 
It was horrible watching my mom basically die before my eyes. This is one of the cancers you wouldn't think would hit your home.  But it did.  Pancreatic Cancer.  The survival rate is low. 
I moved in with my mom to help her.  I took her to her DRs appointments, her chemo, her radiation. Even when she would wake me up in the middle of the night needing to go to the ER.  I called 911 many times. I needed help. A few times, my niece came to stay the night at our house so I could go stay the night with my man. There was a nurse that would come out and help her shower.But other than that, it was me.  My mom was our glue. My daughter came down with the flu, and had a 102. Temp. So mom couldn't be around her. So she went with her dad.  Then it hit me.  So my oldest sister came and got her so she could stay there.  Now, this is the sister who kept telling mom to sell the house and move in with her.  When asked about me, she said, "oh well"  mom kept telling her no. So when she finally went there, that was the end.  She had had about 16 blood transfusions that week.  Her body was slowly shutting down.  Mom had her stuff in the washer, when it was done, I took it to her. She asked me if I brought her shoes, because she wanted to go home to die. The home she worked her ass off for, for 30 some years. Her home. Where it was quiet. Every time is go see her, she was worse than the day before. She'd always ask me if I brought her her shoes.  Treatments were stopped. And suddenly,  she had allllllllll the help, i couldn't have.  I was devastated.  My mom. The one who taught me everything,  but how to live without her. So I had had surgery on May 24 on my left hand, 2nd time around.  When I got home, I called the lady that was with her to let her know I was home, and the surgery went fine. I was going to rest a bit and go see her. About 30 minutes later I got the text that she had passed.  My other sister came and got me since I couldn't because of my surgery. Losing her was horrible. Especially to something that you can't do anything for. There were songs she wanted to have played that she told me about, but when I mentioned it, it was dismissed. So, I find out my sister's got a tattoo for our mom, without me.  And then I heard the rumors about me. And what I heard of what I "did" made me sick. I about threw up. My head was spinning. And then It clicked.  That's why my family would walk away when I walked over to them.  Or ignore me.  Then my half-brother, not from MY mom, messaged me and chewed me out on what I supposedly "did"  he was drunk, as usual. I really haven't spoken to that sister in about 3 years, or to my half-brother.  I don't care too.  I'm so sick of people spewing shit that isn't true.  So, if you think for one second that I didn't treat my mom right, YOU ARE NO FRIEND/FAMILY TO ME!!   So, family isn't your blood. It's your people that know you.  That trust you. That check up on you, people that offer their shoulder, people that say, "screw them" My tribe is a small one.  And that's how I like it. I don't need a huge tribe, I don't want a huge tribe.  I trust my tribe, I love my tribe. As long as I know what the truth is, then they can fuck off.  They weren't there. They didn't help me. I hate the fact I was the last one to know about these rumors, I'm unable to do damage control.  All I can say is this, these people spewing shit, they're opinions.  And I try to let them go,  but it's hard to because the shit said, was horrible.  So, I'm going to wrap this up, I am frustrated now,  and want to chew them out, again.Real eyes realize, real lies. Mic drop.